PETER PANIC

My Diary - Page Fifteen


01/07/08: I was tired today, possibly from spending all night trying to sleep in a test tube - my wife spent all night trying to light a Bunsen burner.  I emerged in the morning like a newly discovered  island in the Pacific ocean. I treaded water while mice wearing artificial legs ran on shore.  I then witnessed the marriage of two palm trees while Bugsy the cat modelled a brand new range of Lycra swim wear.
02/07/08: The cannons fired at dawn - I dropped my shoes and called them the bride and groom as I went down the garden in bare feet.  I remembered a hill and a string vest.  I climbed and painted the blue eyes and red lips on totem pole figures until I had reached the top and a model aeroplane landed on my head - I wound up the propellor and plucked a poem out of thin air in a Nineteenth Century drinking den.  My shoes went on their honeymoon.
03/07/08: Out in the gem stone morning.  I worked as a servant in the bathrooms of a Victorian country mansion and then came back in a suitcase surreptitiously picked up by a female spy. Once safely back inside the submerged whale I read the papers which were wrapped round my lunch.  Unfortunately I had forgotten the cake given to me by Marie Antoinette.   I had to plough a meadow in the evening.
04/07/08: My friends, the short sighted magpies, were startled this morning (as was I) when I woke on a flagpole above a building of some importance - I am not sure what.  I was naked so I had to wrap the Union Jack round the flag pole to conceal it.  I bit into the apple and flew to a different tree.  The tennis players continued playing their musical instruments as I listened to the orchestral music box to get the cricket score.
05/07/08: I woke after a waking and tried to catch hold of the dreams I had been conscious of for a number of minutes.  When I finally found all of my feet I noticed that June had a large fish protruding from her mouth and I was then equally surprised by the penguins reflected in the mirrored door.  I opened the door and found all our clothes in nets.  I wrestled with the rest of the day like it was an angel.
06/07/08: A very wet day although I did discover in the morning that the house had eyelids - they fluttered when a large lorry dressed in blue and yellow sped by (I was covered in a thick layer of hot volcanic mud at the time).  I discovered nothing in the afternoon as I knelt before a large piece of white cloth and a formation of unidentified flying objects shot across the sky.  Later, holding a collection of cast iron nails in my hand I walked to work.
07/07/08:  I got up as the candy floss man, I mended the mirror so June could see me in it and called out of the window to the legionaries who were marching by.  I painted myself with  woad and looked at a rose hanging in mid air.  I studied this for some time conscious that a new species of human being had evolved in the prehistoric land resting on my head.  I had to go out wrapped up like caterpillar.  I tried the leaf wine again.
08/07/08: I ran out of the house holding Poppy the dog with ceremonial candles attached to my body at approximately two inch intervals.  The invisible inhabitants of the lunar plains could read their newspaper (called The Moon) by the light I gave off.  I came home when the wind had blown me out.  I spent the end of the day pretending to be asleep on the back of a comatose crocodile - I hoped he wasn't pretending too.
09/07/08: I built a shower, put a tent in it and then crawled inside.  It was warm and cosy although a little bit cramped as several early Babylonian rulers were already in there talking to archaeologists from the 25th Century.  I played cards with members of an extinct Red Indian tribe while projecting my mind into a hidden realm of superreality.  Later I danced on a pin head while the prisoners from the anti-revolution were searched.
10/07/08: Out of the cuckoo clock house very early. Just as the pistol shot was heard reverberating down the street.  I put away my stick of rock.  I went to the swamp lands to talk with the old bull frog sage.  He told me I had thrown a plastic duck in the fire when I was three (I rescued it when I was twenty six).  I came home in formation like ornaments over a Fifties mantle piece.  I had to fly to work in the evening.
11/07/08: After cleaning my shoes on an old fashioned record turntable I disappeared to London for the sandwich filling part of the day.  I pretended I was at the seaside and got myself hot climbing the stairs to see my sister.  She was entertaining a lost tribe of South American Indians on her balcony but I made the mistake of thinking they were Hawaiian dancers and jumped out of the window wearing only a grass skirt.  I had disturbing news in the evening.
12/07/08: I had a frantic morning pinning notices to every church door I could resurrect from my dirty washing line diary.  I was then visited and gave away my treasure trove - just at the very moment that the pirate ship sailed round the cliff.  In the afternoon I listened to strange knocking noises and gurgled like a baby.  At the end of the day, with the river like a loosened tie, I gave away my favourite soft toy to sing in a pop group called "The Night Owls".
13/07/08: I had a bad day with the garden I hoped to potter in turned into a roundabout which spun faster and faster.  I eventually had to call a spade a spade and dig a hole to jump into.  The carnival people pulled me out with the tresses of their newspaper hair.  I learned later that they had come from the bottom of a bonfire and would all end up being inhaled by the ultra-intelligent musk oxen who ruled the Earth after the demise of the human race.
14/07/08: I was stressed today after hearing that Wyatt Earp had arrived in town with a posse of cardboard characters.  I pulled up my little girl trousers and put on my six gun while looking at my watch.  Thankfully I later learned that the watch had stopped and the cardboard characters were changed into the walls of a fairy tale castle.  I was eventually free to stuff my Dead Sea Scroll socks in my top pocket and dance like a crane on a building site.
15/07/08: I squeezed out of my toothpaste bed with a choir of baboons standing outside singing Simon & Garfunkel songs.  I opened the window and threw out the contents of my trouser pockets.  I then signed the bottom of the freedom page and climbed the knotted rope to my studio.  Later, when closing the window I noticed a row of urban trees which were jumping up and down on the spot and I wondered where to put my imaginary tree house. 
16/07/08: Another African Plains morning.  With the swifts spelling words above my pointed hat head I decided I had a blank canvas day to attack like a mad artist - sequestered in the middle was a sane lunch when I watched a fat policeman skipping down the road.  After eating I pulled my chariot in front of a blank wall and drew dozens of rooms on it.  I was determined to live in as many as possible.  Downstairs a door was knocked.
17/07/08: I had to go to work in the morning, sitting in a baby's pull along plastic tractor.  I ploughed my lonely furrow while Emily allowed the fairground boat to go in and out of her open mouth  We spoke about puppies.  Later, when climbing the assault course netting to reach a ripe apricot (which I was convinced had a message written on it), I hurt my back and had to come home crumpled like a swan that had crash landed on a frozen lake.
18/07/08: I slept well but woke in pain in my tropical igloo.  I decided early on to emulate a sandwich encased in cling film.  I later removed the film like a mountain tent and then spent the rest of the day meditating next to a Tibetan Yak.  As the animal mist cleared I climbed up the mountain while  pretending to give singing lessons to a collection of china dolls which were climbing behind me.  I finished up spinning on a Paracetamol.
19/07/08: I found myself in a balloon that someone must have blown up when I cleaned my teeth with a pet crocodile.  I was bobbling under the ceiling and watching a world which was predominantly orange - I enjoyed the view and counted the hairs on the head of a Belisha Beacon who was modelling a new range of clothes which will hit the street later in the year. I looked up as my wife walked into the room holding a pin. 
20/07/08: After waking (with a saw in my hand - I don't know why), I slid down stairs on a children's slide - the stairs had ran off with a very interesting Norman portal which stood by the local tea shop.  I had my breakfast on a playground roundabout and then had an intense conversation with June while we both sat on a rope swing.  After this the dog took us out for a walk.  On our return I discovered a new continent in a milk stain on the tablecloth.
21/07/08: Because I still had a bad back I invented a mechanical spider which I could stand on and circumnavigate the World offering advice to all people who hide in invertebrate suits.  In a dream I became Moses the stick insect.  I managed to finish a prayer encased in amber and promenaded with the dog down an aisle of laughing policemen.  As an artistic exercise I ended the day painting brown stains in white underpants.
22/07/08: I had an early message from a young girl dressed in a silver sardine suit.  There was very little space for our conversation.  Just as the can was almost overflowing with words I managed to squeeze in several reminisces of winged demigods circling over my neglected garden head.  Later I walked around my neglected body garden, touching finger tips with the almost invisible people I always suspected lived out there.
23/07/08: I had a loop of morning to climb through and a reasonably energetic afternoon - I practiced gymnastics with a group of flies who were moving through in search of enlightenment.  After this, and after replacing the coloured beads of a child's rosary with small skulls, I went back to the kindergarten to threaten the old men with tales of their childhood.  I pulled my hat right down over my face and looked out of window built into the top.
24/07/08: I put myself in a large bag and carried myself to the place where I grew up.  In the giant's parlour I played a tune on a piano without keys (all the keys were filling holes in the walls where the whispers poked through) and exchanged gifts.  I came home by wagon train, we formed a circle twice on the way back - each time a piece of string was threaded through.  I collected all the threads up and tied a knot in them
25/07/08:I walked barefoot in the snow of a Mediterranean morning, collected fires and thawed them out.  I put my energy against the glass wall and watched the stasis outside.  June pulled a chimney pot down over her head as I watered the desert.  The desert flowered and the church bells discussed their diary commitments.  Afterwards, I pulled Freyia from the ground and gently pushed her through the sky - paperbacks flew overhead.
26/07/08: June and I climbed on the super tortoise during the middle of the morning, a nascent world was strapped to its back (several men were washing it clean - I felt it necessary to give a tip).  We spent quite a bit of stolen South American gold and brought back plastic moulded into myriads of masks for the multitude.  I went out in the evening like a cowboy, the desert slowly disappeared leaving me alone on the Shakespearean stage set.
27/07/08: It was a fiery morning after the meteorite impact which hit the ground like an air show.  I picked up the pieces and made a face.  The face would subsequently be carried forth in the procession of sacred cushions and swinging chairs.  I cut my way through the afternoon and reached my destination in bare feet.  During the almost night we were visited by a moving box, we eventually managed to sit on it to keep it still.
28/07/08: June and I had a sandy coloured rabbit morning, took a quick lunch (hanging from trees like gibbons) and then walked on molten rock to the town which was shimmering like a mirage on the horizon.  I said the buildings looked liked crumpled fish and chips papers while June said they looked like stupefied sheep.  I bought several pairs of sandals which I vacuum packed like the Ancient Greeks.  I also bought a padlock for my head.
29/07/08: I got out of my chair quickly and invented a tube that turned fat people to thin on the spur of the moment.  I spread a landscape on a piece of bread to make a sandwich and then travelled back in time to help Hannibal go across the Alps with a group of war hamsters.  I decided not to fight the Romans but put on funny feet and went to work in a multicoloured sheep shop.  I served customers while hanging from the ceiling like a puppet.
30/07/08: I got up like a normal human being but didn't like it.  I had a brief spell as a stone column holding up the roof of a large building and then went home with my aspirations wrapped up in a cloth at the end of a long stick (I called myself the Stick Man of Alcatraz).  After a brief sojourn in a brightly coloured Arcadia - where I wrote flower poems - I returned to the big house as a servant below the much used stairs.
31/07/08: Out in the spotted dick morning.  I weeded the borders where previously Rupert Bear had held hands with his male lover.  I took my time cleaning up the mess and transporting it to the wild lands behind the house.  This was a primordial land where the vegetation hid the remnants of ancient civilisations - many of which I had invented.  I got home holding strips of cloth like a Morris man.  The strips became a wire fence to keep rabbits in.
01/08/08: I flew out of bed like a bat and perched upside down under a cast iron Victorian bridge connecting some of June's dresses.  The wardrobe door opened and closed like a goldfish while I pulled out a book on lip reading from the dense foliage surrounding my underwear -  I later pulled out an apple from the same place and ate it.  The rest of the day was a table cloth laid out on a road where the traffic ran over the piles of food arranged on it.
02/08/08: I dressed as a Roman general and marched round the living room with our pet rabbit hopping behind.  Bugsy the cat had previously caught a ghost which annoyed me no end.  I let it go and it floated off into inner space but the bathysphere it inhabited was badly damaged.  I held my breath and dived to the bottom of the Mariana Trench.  I eventually came up in a bubble painted inside with psychedelic colours and got out still wearing sandals.
03/08/08: I went to bed on a water lily leaf and woke on the hand of huge marsupial (he had etchings in his pouch).  I became a caterpillar and escaped by tight rope.  Once safe in the vocal chords of a retro robot I decided to write my life history, however, I couldn't remember my name.  It was raining outside so I wasn't able to melt butter on the peak of my private eye hat.  Instead I ironed a number of stories and then went to work as a disciple of Jesus.
04/08/08: I spent most of the morning in an ancient lavatory, the cistern was replaced with a sleeping rhinoceros to add a slight element of danger.  I drunk too much tea so I had to pull its horn on several occasions.  After a quick lunch riding on paper aeroplanes, June and I went to see the King Rabbit to get advice of the stock market - instead he gave us the latest weather forecast.  We carried a giant umbrella all the way home.
05/08/08: Wet again as I was mysteriously shrunk to the size of kitten and lapped up the milk provided by an entirely fictional baker's wife.  I purred as I shot into space on the Space Shuttle.  I thought about people with soot all over their faces as I parachuted back to Earth.  Unfortunately I landed on an alternative Earth where cats ruled and humans used litter trays - my litter tray had the remains of a World War Two bomber buried in it.
06/08/08: I was down the crocodile scale stairs later than usual and then had breakfast on top of a set of traffic lights just for the fun of it.  I crept into the salamander cavern while June went on a hand wrestling course - we wrestled feet when she came back.  I then had a full day in the lighthouse, going out in the evening to buy a bag of Gainsborough trees.  June and I came home riding separate dragons.
07/08/08: I woke with a start, the house was built entirely of glass as was the rest of the street.  I pulled out a sledge hammer from my monkey wallet and drew a face on it - the face smiled and one of the walls cracked.  I stuffed the radio into another primate wallet and went to sleep on the main line between Exeter and London Waterloo - I was woken by an Eighteenth century mail coach as it sped by (followed by several Dalmatian dogs).
08/08/08: I came down stairs by a boa constrictor rope, on opening the lounge door I discovered a baby in one of the egg boxes strewn across the floor.  We collectively explored complex mathematical equations using rabbits for numerals.  We then spoke hidden truths to the albino toads looking through the glass.  I waved goodbye and returned the oval which was orbiting the Earth - I saw the Eurasian continent like a footprint.
09/08/08: It was as wet as a honeymoon today.  June and I went to town in matching plastic bags - the old man was holding court so we had fried egg sandwiches. We came home without collars and padlocks.  Once inside the telephone kiosk I phoned myself.  There was a cricket match in my head - the rain clouds get together for a chat on the diminishing horizon while I moved a stone from one pocket to another - the match ended as I went out.
10/08/08: I had a morning in the magic lands which had got badly neglected since the Old Prince went away - I am hoping he will eventually return as a toy with a key in his back.  Later in the day I wound myself up and went to work.  Music was my only company (it gradually slowed down as the evening progressed) until the mists cleared and I was visited by a young girl with a dog - I patted the girl and talked to the dog.  I was wearing sandals like Caesar.
11/08/08: I had to water the desert so I couldn't take my place above the ancient gates watching the water rat armies approach.  The tiny figures all donned boots and jumped in puddles - I picked up a puddle and threw it like a stone.  Everyone ran away as if they were shadows (which, of course,  they were).  I came indoors and  put on a violin instead of a coat.  The flowers faded and I went out again to become a sentry for the other side. 
12/08/08: I detached myself from the cobweb after a modest lay in.  The day had laid a number of eggs before I ventured downstairs.  I cracked several and then buried myself in a compost heap.  I whispered my secret to a young slow worm who whispered back a secret of its own.  He believed one of his ancestors was a friend of Napoleon.  The day was autumnal and I feared the Russian Winter was coming - I picked up the rabbit and ran.
13/08/08: Hieronymous Bosch and I had to visit the house with lions each side of the gate - I stared at the biggest one while the pretty lady dressed all in white spoke to the other.  June came along representing the Hanging Gardens of Babylon; we stopped off on the way home to get some rain water - I ate some hay.  I had to push pillars apart at the end of the day (I could see the cascading flowers in the distance).
14/08/08: I did not sleep very well; Bugsy the cat spent much of the night doing tricks on a high trapeze while I provided the safety net.  I had a long poked out tongue ride and then buried into the soft earth wearing a Cosmic Gerbil T-shirt.  I was rescued by a couple of very friendly garden gnomes - they offered me a biscuit which I had a quick nap on.  When I woke up a biblical prophet was standing under a rainbow crying
15/08/08: I had a less stressful day as I woke up with a complex equation tatooed on by back.  I gave my wife a pocket calculator and she used it for her shopping (after signing the bottom of a petticoat that had been washed up on shore in place of a Portuegese man-of-war).  I managed to sit on a blob of paint while all the strange creatures in the garden tied themselves up in knots.  Finally I stuck wings on the dog and took her out.
16/08/08: I woke as the reincarnation of vacuum man; nothing happened.  Instead of being a captain of a paper boat I explored an unknown country, finding new animals and plants (I sent them back to Hooker at Kew) as well as being the first Englishman to see water fall from a flying whale.  While fighting through the undergrowth I found a baby slow worm who I called Bob - he called his best friend Francesca da Rimini.
17/08/08: I stood as a sentry while the morning uncurled itself like a waking cat.  I opened the newspaper, "pay homage to the supine sister", and cleaned the goldfish cage.  Outside, the garden was a great expanse of glass with randomly strewn monoliths - at least one of which would double as a record stylus if I had any records left.  Rows of birds perched on the rigging of a semi-submerged battleship.
18/08/08: I had a pointless morning trying to climb a flag pole holding a large pair of y-fronts in lieu of a flag.  I came down the greasy pole with a bird's nest instead of a hairdo.  During the middle of the day I had time to paint in the mid west tar pits (among the sabre tooth tractors and woolly bull dozers).  As the radioactive dust settled I unfurled my flag and rode to work - it was an empty plain of an evening.
19/08/08: I spent the first part of the day in the blackness of a whale shark's mouth, emerging around dinner time with a Meccano kit in my hand - I turned it into a steam driven tram and June and I went out for the afternoon.  I spent money like a lava flow above Herculaneum.  We rode a crocodile home with candles burning in our elephant ears.  Once back inside the concrete castle I had very little time to pull ladies out of moats.
20/08/08: I walked all morning across a vast plain filled with a gross vegetation, each leaf of which had big chunks eaten out.  I put a telephone to their ears and took notes.  The afternoon was an extinct form of rhinoceros while the evening suddenly disappeared as I was summoned from the ski slope in my head to attend a meeting where no one else would turn up.  I came home wearing tug boats for shoes with a cruise liner moored outside.
21/08/08: I had an early start, pulling my scarf over my head in the face of a sand storm - this is how I cycled round the surface of Mars in 205 days.  I sat in a palace whose walls were composed of cheese straws and a strange luminous lichen.  After a brief talk with the black currant monk I came home to paint numbers on still water ("still water runs deep").  All evening I sat on a revolving chair - the room revolved in the opposite direction.
22/08/08: I woke up suddenly when a giant bird poked its beak through the window.  June was downstairs with a bucket over her head - I came down holding an empty cereal packet and then ran to a foreign city to get a bottle of milk (I was pursued by giant dragonflies from the carboniferous era).  The middle of the day was bordered by chop sticks and I drew lines with wet paint.  After the shadow has sped away I went down the road to hold a wine glass.
23/08/08: I hung from trees as the sun tried to shine (I saw its twin swimming in a glass of water - I used the water to christen the frog prince).  While hanging like a fruit I saw ants evolve into an advanced civilisation and burn witches with gun powder under their arm pits - my father stored potatoes under his (I buried carrots and spoke with entirely invented words) .  I said a hymn backwards remembering my family knew only imaginary numbers.
24/08/08: It was a holiday Sunday and I spent the day on a deserted theatre set among sawdust and wooden horses.  I rode a horse into an imaginary western town where I painted a picture on a cactus and shot myself in the foot when trying to perfect a new dance.  I was taught the dance by a girl made entirely from cellophane; when looking at her I could see a landscape with apple trees and snakes climbing up wooden ladders.
25/08/08: It was a day off for the cardboard people with bases that fold over to hold themselves up.   I had to work in a holiday camp for credit cards which wanted to get away from it all.  In an alternative reality I was a glowing ball that hit ashen faced skittles (I also thought about living on the Isle of Wight).  I had time to potter in the garden before the space criminals came.  I dressed in a space suit and carried a sword made from coral.
26/08/08: I spoke first thing to my friend Pegasus about taking off and flying away, then decided to stay on the flat page with illustrations of Seventh Century bronzes (I must remember to write).  I spent some time exploring the blank pages, noticing even small imperfections in the paper before wrapping myself around an old cast iron kettle.  I considered inventing a time machine but instead made a device that automatically wrote words backwards.
27/08/08: I had to take my pet dinosaur to the vets for his vaccination, however I misread the clock and turned up an hour early (when the mammal like reptiles were dominant).  While waiting I wrote a message on the back of a Sumarian clay tablet - I saw a number eight bus on the way home and commented on the large eyes which replaced its windows.  I got home earlier than expected and immediately waved to several people hanging from balloons.
28/08/08: I was out in the morning, drizzle was falling in the goldfish bowl which the old man insisted we were living in.  I came back carrying a sack full of earth and had to climb a tall ladder to hide it.  While up the ladder I saw a flock of severed heads flying into the distance - when I came down I tried to clamber into a Dutch Master painting.  I had to go out in the evening to become an invisible presence in a Victorian classroom.
29/08/08: For some reason I woke up clinging to the trunk of a gnarled old tree; I thought to myself that I should be a better gardener and then climbed down onto a race track with cars screaming either side.  I held up a range of differently coloured flags while various opportunities sped by.  I thought about living in a house made from counterfeit currency before walking on a tightrope made from the hair of  an extinct species of human being.
30/08/08: The day didn't start well: I opened one door and found another behind it, when I finally got out into the facial feature garden all the colours were reversed.  I picked a green rose and smelt it with my mouth.  All afternoon, I painted on a log in the middle of a fast moving stream.  I got to dry land about seven, just in time to see a total eclipse of a light bulb in a far flung corner of the house.  I took all my clothes off and went out.
31/08/08: I went out into the garden, which I found to be under fifty foot of water.  I stood at the base of the pier, which was partially obscured by sea weed and read the words on the dark green strands before recomposing them.  I then surfaced and painted rows of bottle tops previously arranged  like the night sky seen from the northern hemisphere.  A meteorite (Guinness top) came to earth and almost caused the extinction of the dinosaurs.
01/09/08: Today should have been a less tense day, although it started badly with giant nails being driven into giant hands on the road outside.  The road was once used by the clothes of Eighteenth Century gentlemen looking for new bodies to cover - even now I have occasionally seen solitary ties snaking down the tarmac like desert sidewinders.  I checked my watch and then stood like a statue for a couple of hours.
02/09/08: I got up from the magnified model of a bee hive which I use to sleep in, jumped like a kangaroo rat and sat on a frying pan while my breakfast computed billions of calculations a second.  I watered the garden and then crept into my studio like a gnome.  I called my pick handle Bill and went out for the afternoon with my wife, June.  The honey pot was overflowing but I came back home with very little.  June came home with a lot.
03/09/08: I was tired this morning as I climbed down a giraffe's neck to march a platoon of string puppets out into the garden.  We watered all the plants even though rain was spitting though the park railings.  I pulled several limbs from my bag and made a message - June came in with a moustache painted on her face; I added eyes to the landscape I painted.  Outside the floating eyes presaged heavy rain.  I put a brick in my bag.
04/09/08: A very early start, I practiced yoga with my friend the electric lamp and then disappeared in a puff of smoke.  When I reappeared I was sitting in the Gentle Giant's living room among a herd of trees which were grazing on press cuttings.  I read some of these while drinking my tea: "hammer elopes with nail", "family encyclopedia found hiding in pill box" and  "pill box drinks whole bottle of sangria - World War Three starts".
05/09/08: Not a good day! Thor dropped by for a drink while I kept Athena on the telephone - I stood in the kiosk for an hour not doing anything.  After the battle I tried to tie up the shoelaces of a stone statue which I found propped up against the wall.  The wall yawned and I collapsed on a model of the batmobile (I had already given away my collection of Corgi toys), I got up and dusted the eyelids of a giant face - I imagined it having clock hands.
06/09/08: I remembered what my old friend "The Crocodile Kid" had said and didn't go out into the garden at all today (a snake was dancing with Eve while Adam danced on his own).  I spent much of my time making false moustaches out of earthworms - all of whom had names borrowed from Cherokee Indians.  When I finished this I went to sleep in a false beard.  I had to go out in the evening wearing an extinct form of horse on my head.
07/09/08: I jumped out of the bedroom like my dog from the happiest part of my childhood.  All the invisible people were shimmering and I walked through the wet grass holding a mermaid - she blew a conch shell as I tied up the gladioli.  All afternoon I pulled plants out of the ground and interrogated then hoping that they would talk - none did, although one did whisper something unrepeatable as I got close.
08/09/08: I got up out of a smoking gun barrel after spending the night alone.  I made a hat out of a pencil and climbed the tree that had emerged from the kitchen floor.  I then saddled up the dining room table and rode round the room feeding all the animals in turn.  I finished by feeding the werewolf who was asleep among the Crown Jewels.  I thought of ways I could steal them while dancing on a spider's web.  Then the spider arrived!
09/09/08: I woke on my own again at the foot of a rainbow, the dog was snoring and the cat was wearing a dress.  I wrote a birthday card and stuck it to the bottom of my shoe.  My memories walked the plank over breakfast and I spiraled up into my studio for the entire morning.  June and I played Harlequin and Columbine in the afternoon but I finished the day on my own looking at videos of my heroes made during the early renaissance.
10/09/08: I climbed down the rope ladder from the crows nest where I had my solitary sleep as I had to build a pyramid out of perspex for my ultra thin friends - who exist solely as wisps of matter (the hammer men walked by discussing something of great importance).  I wasn't able to stay in my glass room as long as I would have liked and pinned on my new wings and ventured forth to the multidimensional castle which sat on the prism hill.
11/09/08: I had to get up even earlier than usual - I had to commune with the animals of the wild wood - and then disappeared in a cloud of red smoke.  I reappeared in the sitting room of the old tree man; we discussed the falling of leaves before I came home.  I painted in a giant eyeball while the fire engines rushed to the old mill - I waved to the miller just before he was covered by a shower of gold.  Later I saw Alison dressed in black on a dark street.
12/09/08: I amused myself with a magic carpet ride around the bedroom before going downstairs and throwing Neanderthal bones to the wild beasts.  I worked in an egg cup until early afternoon when the rain fell like laughing judges.  I glove puppeted my way home with my feet in separate oceans.  Later I talked with the green god while the evening undressed - I then undressed myself and crawled back up the tunnel where the light was still flickering.
13/09/08: I found a pogo stick in the bed and hopped down stairs reciting a poem by Dylan Thomas.  All morning I had to sit on a giant cygnet while the bat people amused themselves.  I walked the hill to see June three times, each time holding a white piece of paper.  It wasn't until I got home that I realised I hadn't written anything on it.  The old seer said I was destined to be a parrot on a pirate's shoulder, I pondered this remark all the way to the workplace.
14/09/08: It was a nice day, clouds reclined on floral sofas as the trees turned.  I worked in the garden (after the rabbit had kicked a small planet out of solar orbit) and made a cairn under which the summer could be buried..  I ate several lunches and then stood still on the bow of a ship counting the albatrosses as they were wheeled by on hospital trolleys.  In the evening June descended by parachute as I took off my clothes and sat in the fridge.
15/09/08: I had a relaxing morning (even though I had a pair of stepladders strapped to my back - I tried to climb up them but couldn't)  I even had time to drop a coin down a well and record the splash.  Later, while waiting for the ghosts of old western stars to ride by I put on a pair of headphones and pressed a button whenever I heard a cry.  I ended the day more fed up than usual - spiders crawled down the walls removing the pictures as they did so.
16/09/08: I didn't sleep very well - several very large gorillas were shuffling about in the undergrowth.  I tried to remember their names but they had masks over their eyes.  I had to get out of bed riding a bicycle like the lone ranger.  As wheels followed a car down the lonely street I pulled on a liana and the light went out.  I felt better during the day which was sellotaped to my forehead when I drew whiskers on a balloon to see if it would bark.
17/09/08: The gorillas and I went out for a drink but instead met the gardener putting haloes on his tomatoes - I pulled out a sauce bottle to see who could draw the fastest.  I lost and put another three belts round my head to keep my spirits up.  I found myself in a tropical forest with miniature kitchen sinks as earrings.  In the distance the ladders were continually changing into snakes and then back again.  I climbed a forked tongue.
18/09/08: Out early (killer whales were congregating on telephone wires singing).  I cut the wires between the trenches as the soldiers advanced.  Putting a doll in each pocket I caught the long bus home.  Tree branches were sticking out from under my Sunday Newspaper hat by the time I arrived.  When I opened the front door I was surprised to see a giant bird singing in the kitchen instead of my wife.  I fed her earthworms like a badger.
19/09/08: June and I decided to spend some time inside envelopes posted to different parts of the country - she was sent first class while I remained second.  I spoke to a lot of people with unseasonable frog spawn on their hats (the snowman played with his carrot).  I pushed the button in the afternoon and shot into a large window glowing like the eye of Polyphemus.  I knew the window cleaner's daughter from a previous existence.
20/09/08: The sun was dripping fat as I pushed the frying pan out of the kitchen window.  I had meant to tie flowers to my tea cosy hat but stuck an old steam engine there instead.  Inside I drew a portcullis on the face of a beautiful girl - June stuck a sail into her hair and sailed away.  I followed her some time later with two chandeliers for earrings.  The butler walked by with a message for the kitchen maid.
21/09/08: Out into the garden quite early in the day.  It had sunk several hundred feet during the night and it took me a little while to climb down.  As I descended I noticed all the moles and other subterranean creatures were climbing up.  After a short nap lying on a cloud I went to the wine shop to push myself into a bottle.  I put imaginary numbers on the foreheads of everyone who walked in with a corkscrew in their hands.
22/09/08: I had a casual day, wrapped in robes like an assassinated Roman general.  I surprised everyone when I undressed and was found to have an armoured car body.  I cut a path through the chocolate morning while my twin slaved in his studio.  During the afternoon our roles were reversed.  Later, a young friend was caught talking to a motor car and I had to give evidence in court.  Afterwards I had a lunch of ball bearings and then went to bed.
23/09/08: I have been tired most of the day; admittedly it was a long way down from the spire of the medieval cathedral which I found myself on when I awoke.  I had the morning to dance around surreal objects (like a harbour inside a fossilised head) and then went out - changing the door into a mechanical hedgehog as I did so.  I came home dragging a sack full of tiny wood fragments.  These became cuneiform writing when tossed on the floor.
24/09/08: I got up suddenly after accidentally swallowing the telephone - it rang once as it entered the small intestines.  I had to plough the living room floor before breakfast, after which I was free to paint pictures on the soles of my feet. All afternoon I slowly drifted downstream in a bottle, gently bobbing and nonchalantly pulling strips of wallpaper back and writing messages on the reverse.  The evening was as long as a giant's tongue.
25/09/08: I spent much of today standing as a football goal post.  I waited for someone to kick a ball but no penalties were taken.  In frustration I kicked one myself - flowers erupted at the back of the net (which was actually a portal into a new dimension; Jimi Hendrix was president).  On the way home I spoke to the silent sculptures hanging from a gibbet at the aural crossroads - I just picked up the phone and said hello
26/09/08: I had to get up early as the cobweb princess was visiting.  We pressed faces of prophets out of blocks of wet clay and stood on sand made from microscopic eyeballs.  When she went out in a French bean carriage I worked on my collection of titanic postage stamps.  I went to a ball and chain party in the afternoon but left early before the guest of honour arrived.  The Toby Jug said if you believe in immortality it will exist.
27/09/08: I was late up (there were large boulders strewn everywhere, one of which was my head) and had to throw my breakfast ahead of me and then run to catch it up.  My wife and I went to a medieval town in the morning, to make patchwork presents fit for a princess.  I kept a smile in my briefcase.  The afternoon was an empty room and I was able to make chalk marks on the floor and walls.  These finally met up to spell evening.
28/09/08: Another nice day which had it's mouth open as if I was a dentist.  I strolled about the garden with an ice pick and a drill waiting for the voices to come back again.  The house next door has been empty now for several months - a group of people shone a light in and saw the void.  I picked flowers for a fight before having to go to work among the skittles and flip flop heroines.  I tied a yellow ribbon around my ankles.
29/09/08: I found a nice morning floating in a frying pan, which I tried to flip like a pancake.  The morning ended up on my head so I stuck a feather in and wore it as a hat.  My Swiss Army knife wife had already rolled up all the string into a ball.  She hadn't realised that I was using it to find my way out.  Later I went to see the Minotaur with an old alarm clock in my pocket - I was late home with the clock ringing like church bells inside a stuffed mouse.
30/09/08: It was a grey cardboard day.  I crept about with a house on my back, hiding messages in crevices for secret people to find.  I managed to tie the giant's shoelaces before having to go out to see Snow White.  I found her in an off licence with all her memories still wet in a polythene bag.  I blew into the bag and was found to have had two glasses of wine before going to bed.  I went to bed in Gibraltar.